I wish to make an announcement.
I want everyone to
know that I am now in possession of the PERFECT HUSBAND! What gives my
(admittedly) flawed spouse this title? It's easy. He has run away from
The company he works for, (Pirates Arrr Us)
relocated to Spokane Washington. Which, if you are counting is about
500 miles from Portland, where we currently live. When I heard of the
impending move, my response was "Bye, have a nice life!" Because,
Spokane... really? Really not.
My (admittedly) flawed
husband (let's call him "Bruce") explained that he really wanted to
work for Pirates Arrr Us for a longer time, to improve his resume, not
that it needs improving IMHO. He also told me that his co-driver (we'll
call him Del) was going to move, and that Del wanted to retire in about
a year (or so) and he REALLY wanted Bruce to keep working with him, and
the company REALLY liked them working together... SO... he wanted to
go. Well, now I know where I stand. Firmly Behind Del.
looked at rentals in Spokane, and they were running about a thousand a
month, so I started perusing the realty websites. Hmmm. Houses are
fairly inexpensive in Spokane. The kernel of an idea was formed.
story short, my 16 year old daughter gave up her Spring Break (which is costing me a trip to GameStop) and we
ALL went to Spokane, house shopping. After alienating a realtor or two,
we found a FSBO and made them an offer they couldn't refuse. We close
on Monday. It is a great house, and the price was right.
has been living in a Motel (which is not as fun as it sounds) and is
really ready to buy a bed and start camping in the house. He is done
with Kentucky Fried Chicken and Carls, Jr.. His cardiologist will be
While we were in Spokane, I kept my
eye out for flaws in the fabric of this Capital of Nowhere. There is
Trader Joe's. There is Papa Murphy's. There is Home Goods and a bunch
of Chinese Restaurants, some Asian grocery stores, Vietnamese
Restaurants (although the sign painters cannot seem to spell Pho
correctly, and neither does this program. Trust me, there are whisker
things on top of that O that are missing), and a bunch of Wincos. I
googled everything I could think of that I require to live anywhere. It
was all there, with one exception... IKEA. Well. As a bonus, they
have something not readily available in Portland, a SONIC. Dear
daughter was quite pleased with that, as she has a slight addiction to
their frozen lemonade. There is also the most amazing yarn shop two
minutes from the house (12 if I walk), and three Quilt shops, but that's
That said, I'm still not moving. I have
a kid who is a Junior in High School and I would never EVER make her
move her Senior year. So WE are staying in Portland and Bruce is moving
to Spokane. He has done the adult thing, bought a house and run away
from home. I MIGHT consider moving at a later date, if I decide I can
do without IKEA, we shall see.
What about this creates
the PERFECT HUSBAND? You might well ask. Here's how it works. I don't
have to cook for him, I don't have to wash his clothes. I don't have
to clean up after him. I don't have to listen to him. I do not have to
fight for the blankets. I do not mysteriously run out of wine. I do
not have to accommodate him in ANY way. And here's the kicker... I
STILL GET HIS PAYCHECK. Perfect. Ab-so-freakin-lutley Perfect! He is
now the husband of my dreams.
So far, I have fixed the kitchen sink drain and mowed the lawn. It's not so bad.