Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Running Away From Home, Mature, Level: Advanced

I wish to make an announcement.

I want everyone to know that I am now in possession of the PERFECT HUSBAND!  What gives my (admittedly) flawed spouse this title?  It's easy.  He has run away from home.

The company he works for, (Pirates Arrr Us) relocated to Spokane Washington.  Which, if you are counting is about 500 miles from Portland, where we currently live. When I heard of the impending move, my response was "Bye, have a nice life!"  Because, Spokane... really?  Really not.

My (admittedly) flawed husband (let's call him "Bruce") explained that he really wanted to work for Pirates Arrr Us for a longer time, to improve his resume, not that it needs improving IMHO.  He also told me that his co-driver (we'll call him Del) was going to move, and that Del wanted to retire in about a year (or so) and he REALLY wanted Bruce to keep working with him, and the company REALLY liked them working together... SO... he wanted to go. Well, now I know where I stand.  Firmly Behind Del.

I looked at rentals in Spokane, and they were running about a thousand a month, so I started perusing the realty websites.  Hmmm.  Houses are fairly inexpensive in Spokane.  The kernel of an idea was formed.

Long story short, my 16 year old daughter gave up her Spring Break (which is costing me a trip to GameStop) and we ALL went to Spokane, house shopping.  After alienating a realtor or two, we found a FSBO and made them an offer they couldn't refuse.  We close on Monday.  It is a great house, and the price was right.

Bruce has been living in a Motel (which is not as fun as it sounds) and is really ready to buy a bed and start camping in the house.  He is done with Kentucky Fried Chicken and Carls, Jr..  His cardiologist will be pleased.

While we were in Spokane, I kept my eye out for flaws in the fabric of this Capital of Nowhere.  There is Trader Joe's.  There is Papa Murphy's.  There is Home Goods and a bunch of Chinese Restaurants, some Asian grocery stores, Vietnamese Restaurants (although the sign painters cannot seem to spell Pho correctly, and neither does this program.  Trust me, there are whisker things on top of that O that are missing), and a bunch of Wincos.  I googled everything I could think of that I require to live anywhere.  It was all there, with one exception... IKEA.  Well.  As a bonus, they have something not readily available in Portland, a SONIC.  Dear daughter was quite pleased with that, as she has a slight addiction to their frozen lemonade.  There is also the most amazing yarn shop two minutes from the house (12 if I walk), and three Quilt shops, but that's another post.

That said, I'm still not moving.  I have a kid who is a Junior in High School and I would never EVER make her move her Senior year.  So WE are staying in Portland and Bruce is moving to Spokane.  He has done the adult thing, bought a house and run away from home.  I MIGHT consider moving at a later date, if I decide I can do without IKEA, we shall see.

What about this creates the PERFECT HUSBAND?  You might well ask.  Here's how it works.  I don't have to cook for him,  I don't have to wash his clothes.  I don't have to clean up after him.  I don't have to listen to him. I do not have to fight for the blankets.   I do not mysteriously run out of wine. I do not have to accommodate him in ANY way.  And here's the kicker... I STILL GET HIS PAYCHECK.  Perfect.  Ab-so-freakin-lutley Perfect!  He is now the husband of my dreams.

So far, I have fixed the kitchen sink drain and mowed the lawn.  It's not so bad.